The Not-So-Perfect Tense

There are many grammar errors that make my eye twitch, but there is a specific error that absolutely drives me to Madtown. This is the misuse of the Perfect Tense.

As some may or may not know (I have no clue as to what degree people know (or care) about grammar, so to spare any confusion anyone who stumbles upon my blog may have, I'm just going to assume it's minimal), there is more to tense than just past, present, and future. It's like saying the only types of ice cream in existence are vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. However, you can buy vanilla ice cream with cookie dough or Oreo, and you can buy chocolate ice cream with brownie or peanut butter in it, or you can buy strawberry ice cream with...strawberries in it. It's still vanilla/chocolate/strawberry ice cream, but there's just more pizzazz added to it to satisfy your frozen dairy treat craving.

Past, present, and future tenses are like ice cream in this way. However, the extra pizzazz that is added to these three basic tenses are (unfortunately) not cookie dough, brownies, or frozen strawberry chunks but instead auxiliary verbs (is, am, are, was, were, be, being, been), gerunds (verbs with -ing), words like "have/has/had," "would", etc. Much more fun, right?

The tense that I see most people having trouble with is the use of the Perfect Tense. This tense uses a form of the word "have" + a past participle verb. A past participle verb usually ends in -ed. Much, much stress on the "usually." Infinite stress. The word is so stressed that it's having a mental breakdown.

When it doesn't end in -ed in the past participle, the verb is irregular. This means that these verbs don't follow the general rule. In this case, it's the -ed rule. They're rebels. These rebels are verbs such as "drink," "begin," "swim," "spin," etc. (Most commonly words with an "ih" sound in the middle.)

However, because most past participle verbs end in -ed (a past tense trait), people mistakenly believe that irregular verbs should be in their past tense form too. Ladies and gentlemen, despite what people may try to inform you, THIS MISCONCEPTION IS NOT TRUE. It is a LIE. Do not listen to these people.

The most common irregular verb used in this tense that I see used incorrectly is the word "drink." Here is what people write:

INCORRECT: I had drank three glasses before I realized that my apple juice was spiked.

Now that you've read it, forget that this misconception ever existed. Don't even push it to the back of your mind where it can be recollected later. Take it out of your brain and burn it until its ashes are but mere powder and lock this powder into a safe, lock it, and throw the safe into the river. And, while you're at it, burn the key and throw its remains into the river as well.

The correct form of an irregular past participle verb is to replace the common "ih" sound with an "uh" sound. "Drink" would become "drunk." "Spin" would become "spun." Etc.

Here is how the sentence should read.

CORRECT: I had drunk three glasses before I realized that my apple juice was spiked.

Cherish this knowledge with your life. The incorrect way to write this sentence has been used so often that people actually believe that it is correct. Don't be one of those people. Remember the rules of irregular past participle verbs and resist the lies that Satan--uh, I mean people who misuse the past participle--offer you. It may save your life. Or just make you appear more intelligent. I like to live in a world where it does both.

The Semicolon: The Lovechild of the Comma and Period

Yes, that is correct. It has, indeed, been two years since my last blog post. But I've decided to pick it up again. Because what a better way to spend summer break than discussing grammar?

...

Okay, point taken. But after two years of working at a writing center, I've realized that there are some grammar issues that still need addressing among a society using abbreviated words and (ugh) autocorrect.

The first thing that people need to realize is that when writing in a word document, spell-check does not catch everything. Yes, I know that's hard to believe, and it may have broken your hearts, but it's the truth. Do not rely on spell-check. While it may be helpful for the basics, it is generally deceptive and a fiend. It tells me my last name is spelled incorrectly all the time, and, despite the beliefs of the daycare provider when I was in second grade, I am actually spelling my last name correctly.

Names are not the only things that spell-check is deceptive about, however. Spell-check has issues with sentence structure when it goes beyond the boundaries of simple subject-verb-end punctuation. I usually find spell-check asking me if I mean to put a semicolon where I put a comma, and usually the answer is, "No, spell-check. I put a comma there because a comma should be there." The use of commas and semicolons are typically the punctuation errors I've seen throughout my time working at the writing center. Commas are punctuation marks from hell, mostly because there are so many rules to them, and I rarely come across people who use a semicolon correctly and can actually explain why they put it there (if you are one of those people, kudos to you).

So, the question I would like to address is: When do I use a semicolon vs. a comma?

The general purpose of semicolons is to combine two independent clauses.

But, Andrea, what's an independent clause?

Despite popular belief, an independent clause is NOT, in fact, Santa after a divorce with Mrs. Claus.

...No? Okay.

An independent clause is a sentence that can stand on its own because it has both a subject and a verb.

Ex: My aunt snores.

So, one of the ways to combine two independent clauses together is with a semicolon.

Ex: My aunt snores; I leave.

If you put a comma where that semicolon is right now, that is called a comma splice.

INCORRECT: My aunt snores, I leave.

Every time someone uses a comma splice, a potato gets kicked in the face. And nobody likes bruised potatoes. 

However, if you absolutely feel the burning desire to put a comma there in between those two independent clauses, you may only do so with a conjunction (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So, etc. This can be remembered through the acronym, FANBOYS. Thank you to Mrs. Olson, my seventh grade Language Arts teacher).

Ex: My aunt snores, so I leave.

Seems easy enough, right?

Here's the part where it gets a little bit tricky.

The second major rule for semicolons is to separate units in a list when the units in said list contain one or more commas.

Huh?

Allow me to provide you with an example.

Ex: My three favorite cities are Buffalo, New York; London, England; and Toronto, Canada. 

Now let's see how it would look if you just put commas where the semicolons are.

INCORRECT: My three favorite cities are Buffalo, New York, London, England, and Toronto, Canada.

It just looks confusing and disorganized that way. And you want to be nice to your readers.

And that was our lesson on commas and semicolons today. Hope someone learned something. I know Santa did.

The Difference Between Sarcasm and Verbal Irony

Ello, there! How is everyone's Saturday going? Mine, too.

Today, I learned something very amazing and frightening. I have been informed (by my text book for my Poetry Writing class) that I have been overextending my use of the word "sarcasm."

Now, before I learned this shocking truth, I have been using the word "sarcasm" very frequently. For example, if someone asked me how my Saturday was going, like I had just done above, and I hadn't been having a very good Saturday, I would respond, "Oh, just great. That's sarcasm, by the way."

-Insert buzzer sound when a person answers incorrectly on a gameshow here-

That is, in fact, incorrect. This is not sarcasm, folks. This is something we call "verbal irony."

You: So, Andrea, what is verbal irony?

Verbal irony is saying one thing when you mean the opposite.

You: But, Andrea, isn't that what sarcasm is?

Yes and no. Sarcasm is a spoke underneath the little verbal irony umbrella. It branches out from the verbal irony tree, if you will. They both require saying something that means the opposite. However, here is where the trick comes in: Sarcasm is meant to injure the feelings of another.

For example, if I am playing basketball (which I fail miserably at, by the way), and I steal the ball (I don't even know if that's the correct term for this), and am being closed in by a dozen other more experienced basketball players who are most likely stronger and a LOT taller than me (I'm a midget), and running to the basket is not an option because everyone is all up in my grill (is that what they call it?), I have no choice but to attempt to make a shot at the half-court line. So, I bend my knees and jump as high as I can--the ball goes flying--the crowd gasps at the incredible risk I am taking---!

--And the ball doesn't even come near to the basket. I have failed miserably at basketball.

So what do my teammates say?

"Nice, shot, Andrea."

That, my friends, would be sarcasm.

In short:

Sarcasm: Saying one thing and meaning another to hurt the feelings of another.
                  Ex: "Nice going."

Verbal Irony: Saying one thing and meaning another. That's it.
                  Ex: "I'm really looking forward to being mocked, whipped, and crucified tomorrow!" -Jesus.

This is verbal irony because He doesn't say this to hurt the feelings of another. Because that would be a sin, and He's Jesus.

We usually use verbal irony more than we use sarcasm, which is good, because sarcasm is mean. Remember, Jesus never used sarcasm. He used verbal irony.

Grammar Fail

I was browsing on Facebook a few weeks ago, and I found that one of my pages posted a photo with cringable grammar errors. But then the majority of the people commenting commented on the incorrect grammar...incorrectly. Past tense and past participle are different things, and people seem to not know the uses for them, which saddens me :[

But yes, the correct way to say this sentence would be "If you haven't hidden."

EDIT: Sorry the photo is so small. It was bigger before, but it was the size of the moon and it looked awkward :(

Introduction to Drey

Ello, fellow bloggers! My name is Andrea. I've never been called Andi, or even Ann. I have, however, been called Drey, Drea, Andrew (from a stranger I spoke to on the telephone who thought I was a man), Adrian, Amanda, and Eddy. The latter is what my brother calls me in his own twistedly endearing way. He loves me deep down, though. I just know it.

Anyhoo, I decided on a whim to begin a blog because I have nothing better to do. No, really. I don't have a chapter to do for College Algebra. Nor do I have a bunch of scriptural readings to do for my Catholic Traditions class. You'd be crazy to think that I actually have a project due Thursday for my TV1 class that I haven't started. What are you talking about?

Okay, fine. I'm busier than a duck. I don't know why I said that or even if ducks are busy enough for this analogy, but there it is. What do ducks do all day, anyway? They cross streets. I would know, because there's a street right by my old high school that always had families of copious ducks crossing the street. And I don't mean two or three ducks, I mean a stereotypical Catholic family of ducks (that's about 9-12 ducks right there). I don't even know where they all come from. But I remember if we were ever late to school, we could just say it was due to the ducks on 9th street, and the secretary would understand.

Okay, I kind of went off on a tangent there.

But anyway, I decided to make this blog because I'm a typical Grammar Nazi who enjoys correcting people's grammar until they want to cut out my vital organs. No one has yet, thank God. Hopefully it stays that way.

I will most likely be posting wonderful grammar-ish things in my spare time and you can either indulge in these grammar rules as I do, or learn from them. Please don't cut out my vital organs. I need them.